Spanish Bull

What are you afraid to say? Who are you afraid to be? And O an autumn this is shaping up to be: gold is among us!

When I look at you and really see you I’m holding your heart in my hands and it’s as heavy as a head.

The experience of going in with no expectations and still being surprised by the outcome. A foolishness, a naïveté? Or a projection of anxieties? You aren’t what I wanted — but do I know what I want?

I’ve had clients who admitted they smoked before our scheduled first session to ease their nerves. I’ve had clients who hid their face (no camera) or their heart (no truths). We are all alike in this way, especially if we have social media at any capacity. In this modern world it is the norm to curate and control what people think of you at first glance. And it is therefore a brave and unusual thing to bare yourself and all your true messy depths.

I was told there have been others. It’s never bothered me because I know there is only one me and if you’re interested in me at all, you’ll never find me within someone else. And I am quite the experience: no matter what context you meet me in. I know who I am, I’m proud of who I am. I have cultivated experiences and stories which many go their whole lives without having. I have seen parts of the world which are secret, esoteric. I have dived deep into the ugly trenches of the human heart; I’ve looked right into the eyes of betrayal, despair, disgust, hatred, bloodlust, desire. And I’ve seen myself reflected in them. So when I encounter someone innocent in this way, or repressed, I know I can be off-putting, unique, difficult to put a finger on.

But I am thinking about touch now as I say that, as I write this to you, improvising it all like jazz. Atop the roof with the city laid out supine around me and the sun laying its burning head down to rest on the horizon, all the orange and red cascading about like a mane on the heavens, I thought about this: to write, to live, like a jazz musician. Eye contact and hours of practice and dedication to an ideal and absolute trust. You give me my moment and I yield you yours. We support each other as we dance along the highway of time. Keep the pace like a hand around the back of my neck.

Hands have eyes and tongues. And I have a weak spot on the side of my spine: if you use your nails I’ll shiver and writhe like a serpent. I might just be addicted to that uncertainty in the moment before and after there is a touch given without permission: did you mean to graze my skin? We’re both allowing our legs to touch here, aren’t we? When you reach to grab my attention with your hands, you’re doing more than just speaking to me. You’re reaching into me. And you don’t know what you’ll find. You don’t know either what I’ll find if I were to reciprocate, neither of us do. Will you melt in between my fingers or will you stiffen? If I enjoy the give of your flesh will you enjoy it too? Debatable, because that’s how it always goes, isn’t it — someone else loves the part of ourselves which we hate the most. You wouldn’t know about my short torso if I had never mentioned it, likewise with the dip of your hips; I was ignorant until you enlightened me about your weaknesses.

Why show off our weaknesses? We are always projecting and seeking validation. If I think this is a flaw of mine, and you agree, then I am hurt, but I know I am valid and reasonable. Even though I’m not. This is why we resist when others assuage our insecurities. We don’t want to be whole. We want to be right.

I never thought this would become my life. I never expected to become who I am today. But it’s far more thrilling and beautiful than I ever could have planned it to be. Every mistake and misstep has really been a step in the right direction, I just didn’t know it then. And as long as I still breathe there are no failures, only detours. And the scenery is gorgeous!

I’ve been trying to surprise myself. To act outside of my character. I feel certain that I’m doing my clients a disservice if I recommend they act in a way I can’t, myself — so I’ve been trying to change my habits, to reconfigure my relationships, to pull back from some and show up more for others. To smile and laugh when I’m angered or inconvenienced. To say exactly how I feel when I feel it. To bring up difficult and uncomfortable realizations as soon as they occur. It isn’t easy to change, but it’s not easy to remain the same, either. Time forces it of us. Who are we to resist destiny?

And O an autumn this is shaping up to be: gold is among us!

I took the past two weeks off work and even I felt surprised by the distance that ensued! I forgot some of my clients and others occupied me. I reached out to some of them and some of them ignored me, others gave me lip service, others requested my time but never followed up to follow through. I’ve got one client that reminds me about their weekend session every week, for five weeks straight now, and I’ve never once forgotten.

When you speak to me you are really revealing something to yourself.

The night fashioned me a prince. And have you ever danced in the same room as royalty? It makes you self-conscious of all the flaws you forgot you had. There’s no feeling quite like watching a gorgeous someone lazing back on a chaise lounge as cameras spit flash all over them. Humongous disco ball casting a spell over it like the sun. And the club is packed around you and the music is blasting heavy in your ears and you’re seeing firsthand, shocking and sublime, the dizzying heights life can reach. “You live like that every day? Even during the week? And you still manage to work?” I’m dazzled too: you go every day without?

I’m guilty of digging for passion in everyone. I know that everyone doesn’t have it. I know that is the reason some seek me out. Not just my clients. You. My readers, my writers, my girlies, my friends. Sometimes, my silence unnerves you. I’ve gotten people to squirm through the screen just from my looking at them. Nervous laughter, readjusting the posture, eyes scrambling for shelter. Silence can be surprising too. Powerful. If I were to think of the quietest people I know, they are also the most powerful: my father and God.

Unfortunately I can see into the future. Our actions can align with another version of ourselves even if it contradicts the you of today. That’s the appeal too of my original goal, to act in a new way, to push the boundaries of who you are and what you can do. Like the fana of the Sufis: annihilation of the self leaves a hole big enough for God to fill.

It’s divinity we desire.

What I learned from going to Miami with a lover and a pound of shrooms in the summer of 2018: making love is a religious act. It’s a ritual, ceremonial worship, a meeting and dancing of the soul, the inner selves, the astral desire body. And it isn’t just about sex: there is a spirituality, too, in following your heart, doing what you want, whatever this looks like. What’s the worst that can happen if you were to act on your impulses every now and then? Would it kill you? Would it turn you away from admission into THE DOOR after the end?

What comes after your suffering?

I told a client last night: on the other side of fear is what you seek.

What are you afraid to say? Who are you afraid to be?

If a word or line in particular stood out to you, let me know in the comments! I love to hear from you! Thanks for reading!